While I really appreciate my close friends and family checking in with me, I often feel exhausted by the small talk conversation of “How are you doing?” It seems odd to me that usually the only socially acceptable answer is “fine.” Why do we bother to ask the question at all if the only answer we can give is fine?

I am naturally an extremely honest person, even to the point of bluntness. When I was a child, it took me some time to understand that the average chat doesn’t include in-depth feelings and emotions. I struggled to get down the rules that many interactions are supposed to be superficial and not include real substance.

When I started on my brain tumor journey, I really struggled with how to respond when people asked how I was. Where on the scale of 0 to depressed was I supposed to leave the emotional tenor of the conversation? The person inquiring generally knew of my diagnosis, but how much of this burden did they actually want to take on? Also, did I have the time to really give a real answer, or should I just brush the conversation off quickly?

It was a hard question because I often felt I had to mask my feelings and actually comfort the other person in the conversation and reassure them I was fine. This was emotionally draining. Often, these small talk check-in conversations happened at work, where I wanted to take a break from thinking about my diagnosis. Work was beneficial in keeping my mind occupied so I wasn’t dwelling on my diagnosis, only for people to constantly bring it back up.

One of the best tools I found was creating scripts in my mind in advance. I would plan out how I would reply to general inquiries so that it wasn’t so stressful and draining when the inevitable conversation occurred. I also had these conversations frequently, so I was even able to workshop the script and get it down to a neat brief conversation that reassured the other party and didn’t make me tread difficult territory over and over.

I will just say again that when people I have close relationships ask me this question, I don’t have the same reaction. I do view those conversations as opportunities to share where I am and choose to go into as great of depth as feels right for me. While at times I have struggled with feeling like a “Debbie Downer” with my recurring challenging stories during my tumor journey, I do believe my friends and loved ones are happy to support and listen to me.

And if you ever are in conversation with me, please feel free to give me the real answer to how you are doing. I am willing to go on the journey and hear the whole story that you want to share no matter where you are at in that moment. If you want to just say, “Fine,” then please do. You should always feel like you can decide the right amount to share for you. But I hope you feel invited to give me the real answer of how you are doing. It’s ok to not be fine today. And if you are struggling today, I hope tomorrow is better for you.