I don’t know if a lot of people experience this, but I have frequently had the disconnect of doing well but also being in a really difficult place, all at the same time. I know that I am good at masking and carrying on despite the challenges life throws at me. Maybe another person wouldn’t phrase it as doing well, but I have often felt how odd it is to be checking the boxes of life successfully while there is a health challenge looming.

When I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, people in my life kept checking in on me. They seemed to expect that I would be in pain or have limitations because I had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was a somewhat strained interaction at times, because I felt fine. At the time of diagnosis, I had only noticed my hearing loss. I was occasionally experiencing dizziness, and I had lost a very small amount of my balance ability. But mostly, I was doing alright, carrying on with my normal activity level. Feeling well and learning that I had something as serious as a 3cm brain tumor felt pretty surreal.

So, on the one hand, I was doing great. On the other hand, I was a mental and emotional mess. I was extremely stressed and anxious regarding figuring out treatment for my brain tumor. I was grieving my hearing loss. I was wondering what the future would look like. I was alright, but in the same breath, it was a super challenging time. The struggles people seemed to expect with a brain tumor diagnosis did not actually represent my experience. The hard things were very much invisible.

I think feeling fine before surgery made it harder that recovery from brain surgery entails feeling so lousy. It seems wrong to undergo something as challenging as the brain surgery recovery when you felt great previously. I think wrapping my mind about the fact that all the suffering in the recovery period was necessary was an important mental component of the healing process. It’s hard not to feel in that moment that perhaps the discomfort is not worth it. But ultimately, you are taking the steps to save your own life. It’s just a really difficult space.

These days, nine years post brain surgery, I am truly doing very well. I am healthy and have accomplished all sorts of things I couldn’t do before I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I have achieved the highest fitness so far in my life, and enjoyed new hobbies like aerial yoga. I have had a second child. I have traveled to some amazing places. I frequently work long hours and have grown my family business. I am doing really well, but it is also really hard some days. I use a lot more energy for hearing than I did previously. Specific tasks like driving or walking in the dark are a lot more challenging. I need to put in a lot more effort to have my life the way I want it to be. It isn’t easy. Fatigue is a very real companion for my life.

So I am still living in the space of doing great, but life is challenging. I have learned to make peace with that dichotomy and not to treat life being hard as antithetical to life being good. It’s not an either or. It can be both. Going through the brain tumor journey has made me stronger, and I use that strength to help carry me through the difficult days. I have lost the expectation that things will be easy, and I think that has mostly led to beneficial growth. I come into the situation prepared to work hard, and typically, that pays good dividends. I choose to celebrate the moments of joy alongside the struggles.