When I found out that I had a brain tumor, I went straight into emergency mode. I locked down my feelings and hyper focused on what needed to be done. Don’t get me wrong, I cried when I got off that fateful phone call with my doctor. But most of the time, I wasn’t giving myself space to process my emotions. Instead, I kept on doing research, scheduling the next appointment, making sure I kept life going for my child, and trying to get ahead at work. I buried my feelings under to do lists and used staying busy to keep my mind off of the situation.

I am the sort of person who becomes calm and focused during an emergency. Because I own a business and have frequently had to handle stressful situations, I have a crisis mode I can easily activate. I used this skill heavily throughout my brain tumor journey, especially in the early days. I was focused on fighting for survival, even though the risk of death with an acoustic neuroma is actually extremely low. While I did have times where my feelings overwhelmed me, I primarily felt I didn’t have time to give into my emotions.

To be clear, I am not necessarily recommending the above approach. I merely want to describe how I managed such a difficult situation. Everyone is going to use different coping mechanisms. This was just mine. I think at points I was also numb from shock. You should get through the day how you need to when life is so hard.

This mindset carried me through the initial decision-making phase after diagnosis, all the way through treatment, and into the beginning of recovery. Then, suddenly, there weren’t huge decisions to make or appointments to schedule. This brain tumor that had been the central theme of my entire mental load was becoming less the star of the show. Instead of using all my time and energy just surving, I was supposed to actually live my life.

This was an extremely difficult transition. It felt scary to start to hope again. It was strange that it felt weird to do things like plan a vacation. I felt like I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. I didn’t know what life looked like after such a traumatic health event. Survival mode seemed safe, trying to go outside that seemed daunting and fraught with pitfalls.

I also found that all those emotions I hadn’t been handling needed to be dealt with. Suddenly, the bin I had been stuffing them in didn’t stay closed anymore. I was fairly shocked that right as I started to feel better, I got overwhelmed by my emotions. I had to pay the price for delaying my processing, and there were definitely some interest charges.

This was a long process, sorting my emotions and letting go of survival mode. It wasn’t something that could be rushed, but it took the time it took.

When I came through that process, it was amazing how different living felt from just surviving. I had more capacity for everything, including joy. I was able to baby step back into embracing life. I began to plan and dream again. I reclaimed the ability to hope.

The big milestone for me in this process was deciding to have a second child. I had always wanted at least two children. My first child was two when I was diagnosed. Just a little before my 2nd brain surgery anniversary, my husband and I decided to try for our second child. It was terrifying and exhilarating all at once. I had some real fears about pregnancy after brain surgery, but I worked through that and talked with my doctors. I can’t think of any larger act of hope than having a baby.

Pregnancy After Acoustic Neuroma Brain Surgery

While choosing to live life fully can feel so scary, it’s such an important step to take. I think while you are in the thick of decisions, treatment, and recovery, the end of survival mode can feel unfathomable. But sooner than you may expect, you come to a crossroads where you get to start taking those first steps down a path toward a fuller life. I am grateful I have survival mode to help me in those times of crisis when I really need those skills to carry me, but I am even more thankful I get to leave those times behind and enjoy the full flavor of life.