I was recently rewatching the Madalorion. There is an episode in season one where the Madalorian and a robot are in a shoot out against thugs. The second the end game looks even slightly dicey the robot cries that it is initiating self destruct mode. The Mandalorian, in his typical long suffering style, interjects that the robot should stop and the robot cancels the self destruct. However, moments later they repeat the cycle of the robot giving up and going into self destruct and the Mandalorian exasperated and ordering the robot to quit self destruct mode.

Watching this scene really reminded me of my relationship with my body. Sometimes it feels like the second I turn my attention away my body surrenders and initiates self destruct.

Reading and watching all the popular time travel stories lately has really reminded me how grateful I am for modern medicine. If I lived a hundred years ago, I would have already died so many times (truly, three times is a conservative estimate). Even without the actual life threatening health issues, I have other health problems managed with modern health care like prescription medication, and those diagnoses would have made my quality of life pretty miserable back in the day.

While I am grateful to have modern medicine and to have survived all these moments of health drama, some days I struggle with the fact that my body has so many health issues. I feel betrayed by my body, as if I was given a warranty of health and it was not honored. It feels unfair to have been diagnosed with a brain tumor at 27. I have moments where I feel that I am always unhealthy or that I may as well wait for the next thing to go wrong because it obviously will. I feel defeated that I try so hard to take care of myself with a healthy lifestyle and following doctor’s orders yet things continue to go wrong. I feel out of control, and scared about what may happen next.

I have had to really work on my mindset on this topic. It has been difficult and multilayered. And it is an ongoing struggle.

I have found an important part of coping with this issue is to find times and places where I can enjoy my body. When I am not feeling well I frequently cope by distancing myself mentally from the pain and discomfort. While that can be a really effective tool in the short term, overused it can really divorce me from my body’s experience. This disconnect can lead to missing both joy my body can bring as well as missing important information my body communicates. When I purposefully enjoy my body in a moment like doing yoga, I can reopen communication with my body. I can also use these moments to remind myself that my body is actually capable and can be more than just a burden.

I also have had to work on all or nothing thinking. I needed to let go of the idea that healthy meant perfect body function. Perfection is not the definition of health. I can have a deaf ear and be healthy. I can need medication and be healthy. Most days in life aren’t perfect or completely terrible. They fall in the middle with good and bad moments both. Health is like that too, complex and layered. Assuming perfection is dire or even possible is an oversimplification that can be destructive.

I have found it really important to stay present. I know phrases like mindfulness and staying present can feel like buzzwords or platitudes. But what I found is that I was losing days to worrying about health problems that may come in the future. Today I felt fine, but my anxiety about potential upcoming challenges meant I couldn’t enjoy it. I found it is paramount that I work on keeping my mind on where I am today and not lose sleep over what may come.

I look for the small pleasures in life. I know it’s basic to wax on and on about a sunset, but basic things can be so enjoyable and accessible. I take moments to enjoy sunsets, beautiful moons, and the wind in the trees. I make myself a really great dinner that I can enjoy. I listen to music that brightens my mood and encourages me. I escape into a fun book that makes me laugh and remember life is more than health problems. I use these small joys and others to keep my perspective from focusing only on the hard parts of life. I will plan out one small thing I will enjoy tomorrow before I go to sleep ever night, even if that is just a cup of great coffee in the morning.

I have had to let go of focus on benchmarks as a way to make me feel like I made it. I used to think that if I would just make it through this recovery or if I got past this MRI then I would be in the clear and it would all be behind me. However, life doesn’t promise to follow those rules. After that scan or recovery it may not be totally finished or a new thing may crop up. Instead, I look for ways to be proud of where I am today and also keep working on moving forward.

I wish life came with guarantees. It would be so much easier if medical journeys were simple math equations of diagnosis + treatment = perfect health. Unfortunately, the reality is we live with a lot of uncertainty day to day. It can be hard to navigate. Some days the health drama can really drag me down, but I keep on getting back up and working on enjoying my life- whatever that may look like today.