I feel like we are programmed in our culture to believe you should ask for as little as possible. The belief in the importance of individuality makes us feel that if we could potentially make it on our own, then we sure should try. We are all taught to abhor dependence and asking for help, and instead think that there is merit in struggling on our own. I disagree. I truly don’t believe there is inherent worth in fighting through when help is available and can make it easier.

An example of this in my own life was getting an accommodation when flying. I knew that there was preboarding for people with disabilities. But I thought, I don’t really need preboarding. Other people need it more. I can handle regular boarding. But then, one time, when I was at the airport, the ticket agent noticed I was wearing a hard of hearing name tag. She asked if she could add it to my boarding pass, and I said sure. I then noticed my boarding pass said preboarding. I decided to utilize the preboarding, and I found that it was so helpful. I could hear better when I boarded since it was less crowded. I was flying Southwest, so I had my pick of seats, and I could choose one where no one sat on my deaf side so I didn’t have to explain or worry that I would miss instructions from a flight attendant. It made my flight much less stressful and allowed me to conserve my energy for the rest of my travel day. All in all, it made my travel day significantly easier.

So, having realized how much I benefited from this accommodation, the next step was accepting that I deserve to work less hard. I have a strong Protestant work ethic. I also am naturally a giving person as well as a bit of people pleaser. I have a bad habit of sacrificing myself too much and counting my own needs last. I have had to really work on my perception of asking and receiving help throughout my brain tumor journey.

One of my big realizations is that allowing people to help you can be a gift. This is especially true of loved ones. But I have realized that even in situations where the other person has no specific desire to help me, I am a person worthy of help and accommodation. I deserve to enjoy opportunities and experience connection. I am worth some effort and some help. And it is okay for me to request an accommodation. I don’t need to be more deaf or more disabled. I deserve to enjoy my interactions and not strain.

Part of how I have baby stepped myself along the pathway of asking for help has been realizing that by asking for what I need to be successful I am often paving the way for others with similar challenges who will follow behind me. I still use this coping mechanism for extra challenging moments of advocacy. I often find it easier to speak up for some other theoretical person with an acoustic neuroma or hearing loss than to speak up for myself.

But as I have practiced the art of asking for assistance, I have seen how much better it has made my life. Utilizing resources and accommodations means that I get to do more. It directly impacts my energy level and productivity. It increases my ability to be the partner, mother, boss, friend, etc., that I want to be. So yes, It absolutely makes my life better, but it also makes the lives better of those around me.

Also, taking advantage of accommodations encourages locales to continue to offer them. If a business never has anyone ask to use their accommodations, they may assume they are not needed or aren’t worth it. Using the accommodations at a business means that they get direct feedback that it is helpful, which again can help the next person down the line. When I have asked for hearing assistance devices or caption devices at places they are infrequently requested, the staff are excited I am using them and want feedback on the experience. Instead of feeling like a bother, perhaps think that you are encouraging a place to continue to offer options to make it accessible for others.

I am a strong, capable, independent person. That is true of me regardless of if my husband helped me order with the wait staff or if I did it myself. It doesn’t change my level of competency if I use captions to enjoy the theater. The fact that my yoga instructor turns the lights brighter and wears a remote microphone to lessen my balance and hearing struggles in class does not in any way lessen my accomplishments on the yoga mat. My accommodations only diminish my strain, not my abilities.

I don’t need to go looking for opportunities to practice going through challenges. My health and medical issues have been many and varied. I have also had plenty of other personal challenges. I know that it is often cited that difficult times produce positive attributes, such as perseverance. I don’t definitively disagree with that, but I also don’t feel the need to add unnecessary burdens to my life. If I can accept some help and make things lighter, I should do it. And I should feel joyful about accepting the accommodation rather than worry that it would have been the moral high ground to have pushed through it. Adversity and I are old pals. I don’t need to seek out extra servings of hardship.