I recently watched a reel of comedian DJ Demars. DJ is hard of hearing, and some of his content is about life with hearing loss. This particular reel was about captions. DJ said his absolute favorite caption is, “Indistinct chatter.” He joked it was his favorite because he feels such relief in that moment that it isn’t just him who can not understand.

I laughed out loud when I watched this, as this is an experience I have felt viscerally. So often, I am struggling and straining to hear, assuming those around me can understand. When my husband, friend, or seat mate at the theater shares that they too are struggling with comprehension, I feel so relieved and validated.

Sometimes, I almost wonder if I carry the strain of the hearing test out into life with me. I am pretty sure my stress level in the hearing test booth is comparable to that I had while taking my ACT exam. Every time I have a hearing test, I just sweat bullets the entire time. It seems a very common experience to find hearing tests extremely stressful when you have hearing loss. Those almost imperceptible beeps make you strain like nothing else.

When you are hard of hearing, communication takes a lot more effort and energy. Hearing is no longer a background activity that takes little to no thought. I use a ton of focus every day to succeed in listening situations. Because I am so used to fighting for comprehension, I tend miss when sound has passed from audible to inaudible. I will keep struggling to hear when hearing folks have already accepted that it is incomprehensible. I often feel very alone and defeated in those moments, assuming everyone else can understand, and it is just me that can not hear.

I have been working on changing my attitude in those situations. While putting effort into hearing generally pays me back great dividends, I need to accept that literally no one catches everything. I need to reframe my expectations into more reasonable and realistic views. Perfection is not the goal but rather connection.

I have also been working on paying attention to those around me for cueing. I have realized I can often tell from the body language of others if they are similarly struggling to hear as I am. Also, if they can hear, sometimes I can use people watching to help fill in the blanks of the information I am missing.

My friends and family have also learned how helpful it is to let me know when they are having a hard time hearing, too. I am always so grateful my husband is very willing to both repeat what I have missed as well as share when a situation isn’t conducive to his ability to hear. He often can tell by my expression when I am struggling, and he volunteers the information before I can even ask.

I hope the next time you are struggling to hear, you feel less defeated. Before giving into feelings of failure, maybe check and see if others are able to comprehend. Even if you don’t feel that the hearing world around you understands your fight, those in the hearing loss community get it. You are not alone. We didn’t hear it either.